I took my husbands name 25 years ago, and no one questioned me or my friends at the time. It was the 90’s. But would I do today? And my daughter, who is 22 and not even in a relationship so isn’t marching down any aisle any time soon, I wonder what I and my husband will advise her.
It is a system designed by men for men, particularly with the suffix - if you aren’t a Mrs, then does a Miss suffice because Ms just sounds downright dowdy! Boys are Mr and stay Mr throughout their life - married or not. It is right that we challenge this, though, because this expected name change goes back to a time when women had no rights - could own no land or have a bank account or be protected from their husbands violence.
I remember having a massive existential crisis about 3 months out from my wedding. I was so confused. My husband felt that as I had a brother who would keep the family name then I ought to take his because he was the last boy! I succumbed and I do like the fact that we have a family identity. We couldn’t double-barrel we have far to many syllables between us.
I still feel funny about it sometimes and my own family often forget, my nickname was JP as a kid which was my initials and I still get called that by them.
Rarely in the real world does anyone use my last name, except I work at a school. I am not a teacher and I often joke with the pupils that they should call me Jo not Mrs Mullineux, that is my mother-in-law!! Which is weird when I think about it because she will have given up her name, in fact she did it twice because she was widowed and then married my father-in-law.
It is a really tricky one and all the more complicated if you have children which I don’t. I often wonder if we ought to have come up with a completely new name when we got married and both changed to that. In reality admin would have killed that!!
Yes!! Loved reading this, I refused to take my husband’s name and he wanted us all to have the same name so we’re both double barrelled, so is our son. It was important to me to also have the same name as my son so we had work that out too. It was much harder for my husband to name change using a marriage certificate which just shows how far we have to go. The bank had to call head office as they’d never changed a man’s name based on the fact he’d got married.
I was happy to take my first husband’s name mainly because I didn’t like my maiden name and love Mackenzie. When we divorced he wasn’t happy I kept it and I did consider choosing another name but couldn’t be bothered with the admin. I suggested adding Mac to the start of my 2nd husband’s name when we got married which he wasn’t up for as it was my first husband’s name - understandably! While I still use Mackenzie for biz I was happy to take his surname personally - because he had no expectations I would.
That’s it in a nutshell - expectations. As long as you’re making the decision, you do you, right? It’s the assumption that women will change for men that I take issue with xx
Obviously people should do what they prefer but it does seem more patriarchal to cling onto a father’s name and his father’s name and his father’s name ad nauseum, rather than the name of someone you’ve chosen for yourself.
In Spain, women don't change their surname. We keep our surnames, men keep theirs. I always say that if that was the way to go in countries such as the UK or the US, and in Spain, women would change their surname for their husbands', we would be accused of sexist, machistas, and many worse things ... Since it is the opposite, the conversation is very different. I do not understand why JLo changed her surname when, as you said, it is more than a surname.
Let me add. In Spain, we use two surnames, so children get two surnames. Traditionally, the first one (of course!) was the one from the father; and the second one, the one from the mother. In my case, Arias comes from my dad, Yague comes from my mum. Then, in 2000, that was changed and since then, the mother's surname can be the first one for your children. Every couple choose. The only requisite is that you keep the order for all your children. Still, most families keep giving their surnames in the traditional order. Me included, I remembered we talked a bit about it, but we leave it.
I can’t tell you how much I love this. My little boy has his fathers name and that means, since divorce, my son and I don’t share any names. It bothers me far more than not sharing a name with my husband xx
I completely understand. I have a friend now married by second time who kept her first husband surname because of her children. In her case, she is White and her children are Black or mixed race, and she said that she feels how they are treated differently and because of that, she wanted to keep the same surname than them. Your son may be able to change his surname to xx-Crichton one day! In Spain, we do not use hyphen between first and second name, I started to use it in the US and then here as a way to keep my two surnames.
I met my now husband when we were 31 and married him when we were 37. It didn't even enter my head to change my surname. How weird would that be? I'd end up having an existential and identity crisis!
But I always knew, since I was a teen, that I would keep my own name and be a Ms, whatever my marital status. The whole historical concept of the father "giving away" the bride to her spouse never sat right with me. When I got married, my husband and I walked up the aisle together (such as it was. It was a tiny register office so was more a gangway than an aisle, lol).
(And in my dad's own father-of-the-bride speech, he said something along the lines of...: "Friends asked me if I'd be giving away the bride, but to give something away you have to have a degree of ownership, and as everyone here who knows Isla knows, there is no man on earth who could own her." I was dead chuffed.)
Ms, for me, is the female equivalent of Mr, denoting that my marital status is no-one's business.
Only my mother-in-law questioned it, when she found out some time later that I wasn't Mrs Husband's-Surname. But as soon as I explained that there could only be one Mrs Husband's-Surname, and that was her, she accepted it with a smile.
I think maybe, for JLo, after three "failed" marriages (and oo, don't get me started on the concept of failure in there) and a 20-year courtship with Ben, she is trying to prove to the world that this is the one; this is it. I think it's a multi-layered decision. Also, you can't underplay the culture of the USA, which is a bit more rigorous about Christian traditions and beliefs, and still abides to a large extent to that "woman as chattels" concept.
Love all of this. And yes, I can’t imagine trying to own you Isla but I’d enjoy watching a man try 😉😂
Ps, amen to the comment on failure. I certainly don’t view my divorce as a failure, but we definitely need new language that reflects how it can be very much a positive and empowering move. An essay for the future I think! Xx
I get what you’re saying but it is a deeply personal choice. I had hundreds if not thousands of bylines and two books in my maiden name and still wanted to take my husband’s surname. The reasons are convoluted but they are my reasons and my choice. Isn’t that what feminism is about? Being able to chose exactly how you want to live your life? Even if a name change is a symptom of eon long patriarchy, it’s my choice to do it. I don’t stand in judgement of those who keep their maiden names, which, is usually their father’s name, so…
Oh, absolutely - I meant it when I said I don’t judge anyones choices. Change your name, don’t change your name, as long as it’s your decision and not one being imposed on you, brilliant! It’s very much the assumption I take issue with - and the inference that if you don’t change your name as a woman you’re somehow less invested in your marriage when no one makes that assumption of men… xx
It was 2004. He wanted to take my name. I didn’t want to continue spelling it for the rest of my life. And, truthfully, the 24-year old me liked the idea of being Mrs His Surname. Double-barrelling didn’t work (we would both have done it), so I took his name and that was the end of it. 18 years on, I wish we’d given my maiden name as a middle name to the kids, but have no other regrets.
My husband is Iranian and the women keep their own surname there. My family is Iranian but I was born in the Uk. Both of us had/have Iranian surnames.
My husbands surname is VERY long- so long that it doesn’t fit into the letter count on most forms 😂. We decided that we would take his surname (inc kids) but chop and change it around so that it was shorter and suited us better.
Look back to that time 10years ago, subconsciously, I think I also wanted to alter his surname to make it more acceptable for western culture for our kids. It makes me sad thinking of this now.
I took my husbands name 25 years ago, and no one questioned me or my friends at the time. It was the 90’s. But would I do today? And my daughter, who is 22 and not even in a relationship so isn’t marching down any aisle any time soon, I wonder what I and my husband will advise her.
It is a system designed by men for men, particularly with the suffix - if you aren’t a Mrs, then does a Miss suffice because Ms just sounds downright dowdy! Boys are Mr and stay Mr throughout their life - married or not. It is right that we challenge this, though, because this expected name change goes back to a time when women had no rights - could own no land or have a bank account or be protected from their husbands violence.
Love this comment, and couldn’t agree more - I’m so sick of clarifying my dowdy ‘Ms’ suffix 😂
Such an interesting question too about what we’ll tell our kids… xx
Totally right, Karen! Loove this. Designed by men for men.
I remember having a massive existential crisis about 3 months out from my wedding. I was so confused. My husband felt that as I had a brother who would keep the family name then I ought to take his because he was the last boy! I succumbed and I do like the fact that we have a family identity. We couldn’t double-barrel we have far to many syllables between us.
I still feel funny about it sometimes and my own family often forget, my nickname was JP as a kid which was my initials and I still get called that by them.
Rarely in the real world does anyone use my last name, except I work at a school. I am not a teacher and I often joke with the pupils that they should call me Jo not Mrs Mullineux, that is my mother-in-law!! Which is weird when I think about it because she will have given up her name, in fact she did it twice because she was widowed and then married my father-in-law.
It is a really tricky one and all the more complicated if you have children which I don’t. I often wonder if we ought to have come up with a completely new name when we got married and both changed to that. In reality admin would have killed that!!
Totally this - I’d love us both to change our names to a family one, but the admin would be TERRIFYING! Xx
Yes!! Loved reading this, I refused to take my husband’s name and he wanted us all to have the same name so we’re both double barrelled, so is our son. It was important to me to also have the same name as my son so we had work that out too. It was much harder for my husband to name change using a marriage certificate which just shows how far we have to go. The bank had to call head office as they’d never changed a man’s name based on the fact he’d got married.
This is SO interesting. We’ve discussed both double barrelling and I’ve been wondering about the admin. I’m not sure we could cope 😂🤦🏻♀️
My sister and her husband did this. They both have the double-barrel and so do the kids. Not sure about how much admin it was though!
I was happy to take my first husband’s name mainly because I didn’t like my maiden name and love Mackenzie. When we divorced he wasn’t happy I kept it and I did consider choosing another name but couldn’t be bothered with the admin. I suggested adding Mac to the start of my 2nd husband’s name when we got married which he wasn’t up for as it was my first husband’s name - understandably! While I still use Mackenzie for biz I was happy to take his surname personally - because he had no expectations I would.
That’s it in a nutshell - expectations. As long as you’re making the decision, you do you, right? It’s the assumption that women will change for men that I take issue with xx
Yes I agree. A x
Obviously people should do what they prefer but it does seem more patriarchal to cling onto a father’s name and his father’s name and his father’s name ad nauseum, rather than the name of someone you’ve chosen for yourself.
That a very fair point, very well put xx
In Spain, women don't change their surname. We keep our surnames, men keep theirs. I always say that if that was the way to go in countries such as the UK or the US, and in Spain, women would change their surname for their husbands', we would be accused of sexist, machistas, and many worse things ... Since it is the opposite, the conversation is very different. I do not understand why JLo changed her surname when, as you said, it is more than a surname.
That’s so interesting Rosa. So the norm is just one name for life for everyone? How refreshingly straightforward! ❤️
Let me add. In Spain, we use two surnames, so children get two surnames. Traditionally, the first one (of course!) was the one from the father; and the second one, the one from the mother. In my case, Arias comes from my dad, Yague comes from my mum. Then, in 2000, that was changed and since then, the mother's surname can be the first one for your children. Every couple choose. The only requisite is that you keep the order for all your children. Still, most families keep giving their surnames in the traditional order. Me included, I remembered we talked a bit about it, but we leave it.
I can’t tell you how much I love this. My little boy has his fathers name and that means, since divorce, my son and I don’t share any names. It bothers me far more than not sharing a name with my husband xx
I completely understand. I have a friend now married by second time who kept her first husband surname because of her children. In her case, she is White and her children are Black or mixed race, and she said that she feels how they are treated differently and because of that, she wanted to keep the same surname than them. Your son may be able to change his surname to xx-Crichton one day! In Spain, we do not use hyphen between first and second name, I started to use it in the US and then here as a way to keep my two surnames.
I met my now husband when we were 31 and married him when we were 37. It didn't even enter my head to change my surname. How weird would that be? I'd end up having an existential and identity crisis!
But I always knew, since I was a teen, that I would keep my own name and be a Ms, whatever my marital status. The whole historical concept of the father "giving away" the bride to her spouse never sat right with me. When I got married, my husband and I walked up the aisle together (such as it was. It was a tiny register office so was more a gangway than an aisle, lol).
(And in my dad's own father-of-the-bride speech, he said something along the lines of...: "Friends asked me if I'd be giving away the bride, but to give something away you have to have a degree of ownership, and as everyone here who knows Isla knows, there is no man on earth who could own her." I was dead chuffed.)
Ms, for me, is the female equivalent of Mr, denoting that my marital status is no-one's business.
Only my mother-in-law questioned it, when she found out some time later that I wasn't Mrs Husband's-Surname. But as soon as I explained that there could only be one Mrs Husband's-Surname, and that was her, she accepted it with a smile.
I think maybe, for JLo, after three "failed" marriages (and oo, don't get me started on the concept of failure in there) and a 20-year courtship with Ben, she is trying to prove to the world that this is the one; this is it. I think it's a multi-layered decision. Also, you can't underplay the culture of the USA, which is a bit more rigorous about Christian traditions and beliefs, and still abides to a large extent to that "woman as chattels" concept.
Sorry for the essay, this is a pet subject, lol.
Love all of this. And yes, I can’t imagine trying to own you Isla but I’d enjoy watching a man try 😉😂
Ps, amen to the comment on failure. I certainly don’t view my divorce as a failure, but we definitely need new language that reflects how it can be very much a positive and empowering move. An essay for the future I think! Xx
Oh! And our two children take his surname alone, but have my surname as a middle name. A nice Scottish tradition!
Loved this!
I get what you’re saying but it is a deeply personal choice. I had hundreds if not thousands of bylines and two books in my maiden name and still wanted to take my husband’s surname. The reasons are convoluted but they are my reasons and my choice. Isn’t that what feminism is about? Being able to chose exactly how you want to live your life? Even if a name change is a symptom of eon long patriarchy, it’s my choice to do it. I don’t stand in judgement of those who keep their maiden names, which, is usually their father’s name, so…
Oh, absolutely - I meant it when I said I don’t judge anyones choices. Change your name, don’t change your name, as long as it’s your decision and not one being imposed on you, brilliant! It’s very much the assumption I take issue with - and the inference that if you don’t change your name as a woman you’re somehow less invested in your marriage when no one makes that assumption of men… xx
Definitely! It’s such a personal choice. Each to their own I say! X
It was 2004. He wanted to take my name. I didn’t want to continue spelling it for the rest of my life. And, truthfully, the 24-year old me liked the idea of being Mrs His Surname. Double-barrelling didn’t work (we would both have done it), so I took his name and that was the end of it. 18 years on, I wish we’d given my maiden name as a middle name to the kids, but have no other regrets.
I’ve had this same thought with my son actually. I’d love him to share my name in some way. Glad it’s not just me xxx
My husband is Iranian and the women keep their own surname there. My family is Iranian but I was born in the Uk. Both of us had/have Iranian surnames.
My husbands surname is VERY long- so long that it doesn’t fit into the letter count on most forms 😂. We decided that we would take his surname (inc kids) but chop and change it around so that it was shorter and suited us better.
Look back to that time 10years ago, subconsciously, I think I also wanted to alter his surname to make it more acceptable for western culture for our kids. It makes me sad thinking of this now.